I am a relatively new member to the site and have just recently been verified as an owner. I am also an experienced Dom. Let me preface this by saying that while I was only introduced to petsex recently (about a year ago), I have been a Dom in the more traditional sense for almost a decade. Before I joined AoZ I was an active member on a number of fetish sites, but during that time I have noticed something that seems to crop up again, and again, and again… there is always an abundance of self-proclaimed Dom/Domme/Dominants that have absolutely no idea what that title means.
These are the jokers who pop up in chat with some halfway condescending or rude message that is meant to come across as dominant or ‘alpha’. I have a number of female friends, both Domme and Sub, who are active members on other fetish sites and communities, and the stuff they receive from wannabe ‘Doms’ is even worse.
That’s not being a Dom, that’s being an asshole.
I am going to generalize here, every person is different and some few may actually enjoy treatment as outlined above, but generally speaking one of the largest allures of the sub lifestyle is the ability to turn off your brain and focus entirely on the experience, to explore all of your most shameful, dark desires in a way that mitigates at least some of your own responsibility for the shenanigans you partake in (this is a huge topic in its own right, but I will leave that for another time), and above all, in a way that is safe and supported. It is a Dom’s job to create this environment of support and safety.
That’s right boys and girls – being a Dom is a lot of responsibility and all about being supportive and trustworthy, not just getting your own way. You need to take care of anyone who is subbing for you.
With that in mind, I thought I might write a short guide on how to be a good Dom for anyone who is genuinely interested in being one, or for any new subs out there who want to know what they should expect from their Dom. Please keep in mind that this advice is all based on my own opinion and experience, so take that for what you will. If there is enough interest, I may write a longer, more detailed guide in the future.
Note: I have written this from the male perspective, that’s just my perspective and I find that the easiest. I know many great female dommes, and many male subs. Don’t read too much into it. 😉 P
You are the Servant
Okay, let’s get this one out of the way right at the top. Despite the power play and elements of the dynamic that may suggest otherwise, you are there to serve and support your sub, not the other way around. It is all about her fantasies (even the ones she may not admit to herself) and finding a way to explore them in a safe and supportive way. It is absolutely not about forcing your fantasies onto her.
This is one of the biggest misunderstandings of the lifestyle both from people outside, and inside the scene. Doms (at least the good ones) don’t fetishize power and control – or at least not just those elements – their kink lies in providing someone else with sensations and emotions that they have never experienced before. Doms derive the majority of their satisfaction from being the person to bring such a heightened state of pleasure and euphoria to someone in their care. Being in that position of control means the quality of the sex, and the pleasure of all parties is entirely your responsibility. No pressure.
In short, you get off on getting her off.
I wish I could bold that more. T R U S T ! There we go.
A Dom/sub relationship is predicated on trust above all else and it cannot work without it! There is absolutely no exception to this. A power and control arrangement that lacks trust is not Dom/sub, it is at best unfulfilling and at worst abusive.
Remember what I said before about creating an environment of safety and support? Would you feel safe with, and supported by someone you don’t trust? Of course not. As I mentioned above, this arrangement is all about providing a judgement free environment in which your sub is able to explore all of their darkest desires. This makes being a sub a role of inherent vulnerability as you submit yourself to the whims and control of another, while at the same time as exposing parts of yourself to them that you wouldn’t dare share with another living soul. If you can’t trust your Dom completely then you will hold back these desires, leaving you unfulfilled and totally defeating the purpose of the arrangement. However, and this is a big however, despite this vulnerability the sub is actually in control, not the Dom. Yes, the sub may be giving control of the moment to their Dom, but that control is theirs to give and revoke as they please. Be worthy of it.
As I am sure you can all relate – building trust takes time. Insults, humiliation and degradation may be fine – even extremely hot – once trust has been established and the roleplaying is in full swing, but you don’t fucking lead with that… you lunatic!
Again, back to my earlier point about creating an environment in which your sub feels supported and safe to indulge in her wildest kinks – notice a trend here? – in order to do that properly, it is going to be pretty fucking critical for you to know what those kinks are!
It is perhaps even more critical to know what those kinks are not! Your job is to push your sub right to – even a little bit past – her limits, but never to break them. Let’s apply this to dog-sex, shall we? If your sub has expressed an interest in playing with a dog, it behooves you to consider the following:
Does the dog need to be experienced? How experienced?
Does breed matter? Would she prefer a smaller, less threatening breed for the first time, or is the raw power and intimidating stature of a Dane or Bullmastiff the main attraction for her?
Does she want to have full intercourse on her first time, or just experiment with some oral? Dildogging? Does she want to try and take the knot? Anal, or no anal?
What are you going to do if the animal ties with her unexpectedly, or if the knot is larger than expected and she starts to panic?
Is she okay with the owner watching? Does she want to play with the owner as well? Before, after, or while having sex with the pet? Does the owner know this?
There are a hundred other things to consider, but the important thing is that they are considered. To understand what your sub does and doesn’t want, you will need to either clearly and calmly discuss this all with her, or understand her intimately and completely – which is a foundation based, shockingly, on a history of open and honest communication.
This rule extends into playtime itself. Although you may have worked out all the details prior to sexy-times, that doesn’t mean that those conditions can’t change from moment to moment, and it is your responsibility as the Dom to react and adapt to those changes as they arise. This is particularly important when trying new things out for the first time. For example, there is a world of difference between your sub getting extremely turned on watching dog-sex movies while you fuck every night, and actually having a dog cock inside her. The reality of a situation is rarely how you imagine it. Hopefully this is in a good way more often than not, but you cannot rely on this and need to have clearly communicated boundaries and contingencies planned ahead of time.
So, those are my Big 3. I could extend this out to a Big 5 pretty easily, and write a novel on each, but honestly, so long as you have the above three things then you probably have a pretty solid foundation and can work out the rest of it for yourself as you build something that works for everyone involved.
And for fuck’s sake, have a safe word!
It’s not my intent to be preachy, but hopefully at least a few people found this useful or interesting. Let me know what you think!
Thanks to all of you wonderful people!